Holy Macaroni!
Woohoo - today November 24th is a special day, a random day yet a day that has me connected to it.
I gave up drinking 2 years ago on this day.
That’s 104 weeks ago, 730 days ago, 17,520 hours ago, 1,051,200 minutes ago without a drop of alcohol, no lifting of wine, no nipping off and sipping, no sneaky drinking, no slurring, no hangovers, no forgetting, no emotion blocking, no not dealing with life head on. Drinking was my thing, I was an idiot, wild, reckless, uncaring, cold, dismissive, blank, scared, grieving, sad and yet amongst the 25 years of drinking i had some amazing memories, some joyful times, some fun, laughter, love and happiness yet I don’t recall much of it.
Drinking consumed me for a long time, i hid it for an even longer time, I did the social thing, it is a social thing afterball to have a tipple. Yet I didn’t have a tipple I had a lot, several each day. I had a few gaps of no drinking a week or two at a push, yet I still had a glass just not the 2,3,4 bottles. It was acceptable, it was expected, it was my normal.
Drink is personal, its relative to the individual and I have no issue with anyone drinking, it’s never pushed me over the edge top the desire point again. If I am honest I am terrified of ever having one drink as I know that it would be the fall into the abyss and a very messy one Im not coming back this time.
“Yes, I've been black but when I come back
You'll know, know, know
I ain't got the time” Amy Winehouse Rehab
I didn’t do a rehab or anything professional- I literally scared myself to stop. I did two things. It was in the aftermath of many adys drinking in the guise - birthday- husband . These were great events as it was assumed and acceptable to get so drink lack of recall of name and function was tolerated and if not just an outcome of a celebration. The day of stopping and I did just stop was one of the scariest I was seriously ill hungover- the bed moving in its stationary position - the waves of nausea and need crashing together and then it happened.
Black creeped up my body, like tar I can’t describe it any other way, I was looking down at myself and clearly still very drunk and ill, saw myself being consumed, rotting from the inside out. I was absolutely petrified. Now the few days before I had been feeling more unstable than normal and seeking a way to stop drinking for a while, not really putting much effort in and had found an app that calculates how many calories you consumed through alcohol to ultimately realise how bad it was for you. I o of course edi the quiz online and lied about how much I drank and was still shocked to see in my lies that it was 6,000 calories, then i did it for real and I was consuming 14,360 calories a month in alcohol, that was before I was eating FFS. I must add I was also very very overweight, not that weight bothered me it was more the unhealthy element, is I was ill all the time- grotty ill, sickness, diarrhoea, nausea, headaches, aches and pains, out of breath, and all this time functioning normally - well externally.
So I think I was subconsciously ready to give it all up, make a change and sort myself out. I write about in and you can go back and read the blogs from the time and its fascinating. That black creeping tar moment , comes back when sometimes not the way i actually felt it, the memory of it is enough to keep me off the drink.
So happy 2nd sober anniversary to me. Those 1,051,200 minutes have been me at my best.
I can’t advise or give professional help to anyone so if you are suffering, struggling or need support with alcohol please find the best route for you. Its personal and it’s what’s best for you.
